Sand or Stone!

Two friends were walking through the desert. In a specific point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one, who got slapped, was hurt, but without anything to say, he wrote in the sand:
"TODAY, MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE".
They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning, and the other friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright, he wrote on a stone:
"TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE"
The friend who saved and slapped his best friend, asked him, "Why, after I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now you write on a stone?"
The other friend, smiling, replied: "When a friend hurts us, we should write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness get in charge of erasing it away, and when something great happens, we should engrave it in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can erase it"
1. Learn to write in the sand, when you have difference and hurt feelings with your friend.
2. Learn to write in stone when your friend had something done really good to you.

Identify the gender!

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; For Example...

1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed!

3) Tires -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

My Promise

Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk (or gorge on chocolate) and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!

The Ant and Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

BBC, CNN, NDTV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper. Opposition MP's stage a walkout.

Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a judicial Enquiry.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by BBC, CNN and NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice".

Bachelorhood

Full credit to a doc friend of mine for this!!

It was not "someone" who called me a bachelor the first time. It was "something". The brown official-looking envelope I received by registered post that day had my degree certificate in it. 'Bachelor of...', it announced in somewhat gaudy letters as I stood smiling. Bachelor!

Till then I was a boy, a brother, a student and whatnot? But not a bachelor!! All of a sudden, that important piece of paper had given me a new identity.

I know you are dying to tell me things like 'this bachelor is not that bachelor', but believe me, the very next day my phone rang. It was my real-estate agent, an uneasy reminder to the approaching expiration of the initial company accommodation. "Sir, you are a bachelor, are you not?"

"Sure, I am," I said, almost adding, "and now I have proof of that, if you need."

"Sorry sir. The owner is not willing to give the house to bachelors. But don't worry, sir, I have many other houses. You see..."

So that's how it is. No country for the people of Palestine. No food for starving Somalis. No trees for migrating birds. And yes, no houses for poor bachelors too…They are not welcome in residential areas.

Bachelors party and make noiseround the clock. They go after the neighborhood girls. They don't respectthe norms of the colony. They come in groups...

Anyway, I learnt my lesson: Bachelors don't have all the civil rights that 'normal' citizens enjoy. But then, what do we have that makes many a married guys cherish the memories of his long-lost bachelorhood?

Palestinians have to cling to their land. Directions bind migrating birds. But a bachelor has few restrictions. Except for renting an apartment and walking into one those stupid 'couples only' clubs, he can have everything else.

He gets up at any time and sneaks into the office unnoticed when others getready for lunch. He sits to almost any time in front of the computer without worrying about anxious where-are-you calls. He stays away from the house for days and no questions are asked. He does whatever he wants on the weekend, in the company of his friends...

Yes. Friends are the most important aspect of any bachelor's life. Without them he practically has no existence, especially if he's staying away from home.

But then one day, over the thundering music and the first round of cold beer in a dimly lit pub, he announces his plans to get married to this cute girl that someone else had found for him. Over the double cheers, the naughty comments and laughter, I become aware of something that hurts me somewhere.My friend's getting married. Of course it's something to celebrate. But then, that also means he's leaving the gang!

We attend his wedding, the most colorful function of his life, in full spirits. All of us – Bachelors! We give him gifts, wish him good luck and retreat to our good old world, one member less. It does not take much time before we find him reduced to much-delayed replies to our bunch of mails? And as for phone calls, that comes only once in a blue moon.

For my part, I watch the pile of wedding invitations in the corner of my desk grow at an amazing, alarming pace. Before I know it, most of my cool buddies are gone. And the rest of us soon realize that we are not always welcome to the new circle the married men have formed. So we seek solace behind those office doors where the sun never sets.

I do meet my married friends occasionally. In the office, on a casual walk, or in a busy restaurant… They are my friends still. And they are still friendly as much as their new lifestyle and added responsibilities permit.

But...

Oh heck, there's my telephone. I think it is my real-estate agent again.............

Just Because

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to realize what a gem you are... doesn't mean you shine any less!
Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out that you can't be topped... doesn't stop you from being the best!
Just because the right person hasn't come along to share your life... doesn't mean that day isn't coming!
Just because no one has made this race seem worth while... doesn't mean you should stop running!
Just because no one has shown up who can love you on your level... doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.
Just because you deserve the very best there is... doesn't mean that life is always fair.
Just because you haven't yet found your king, or queendoesn't mean that you're not already a queen or a king.
Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing right now... doesn't mean you need to change a thing!
Keep shining, keep running,
Keep hoping, keep praying,
Keep being exactly what you are already...

Choice

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, hewould reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it.
I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested."Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what Michael said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place."The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter,"Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read "he's a dead man. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Michael. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. "Yes, I replied." The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.Attitude, after all, is everything.

Paradox - Once Again!

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can note to you, and a time when "you" can choose either to share this insight, or to just close the wondow!

57! one-liners

1. I'm nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
4. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's Left.
5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say.
7. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
8. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough
9. Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun..
10. Your future depends on your dreams: So go to sleep!
11. ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
12. Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop
13. A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject
14. A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.... Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
15. Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting..
16. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
18. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
19. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
20. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
21. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
22. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
23. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
24. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
28. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
29. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
30. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener
31. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you've been made upside-down.
32. Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
33. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
34. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
35. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
36. Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours!
37. Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in front of board which said 'FINE FOR PARKING'
38. Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
39. My insomnia is so bad, I can't even sleep on the job.
40. People have one thing in common: they are all different.
41. A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.
42. God is the one who pulls you from the wreckage of your own decisions.
43. We come to love not by finding the perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly!
44. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
45. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
46. Half the fun of being alive is not knowing what tomorrow will bring. The other half is pretending you don't care.
47. Be thankful to problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
48. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
49. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
50. All things come to him who waits, but they come sooner if he goes out to see what's wrong.
51. It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
52. I either want less corruption, or more chances to participate in it.
53. A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
54. No man is as clever as his mother thinks he is or as dumb as his mother-in-law thinks he is.
55. Flattery is hearing from others the things you have already thought about yourself.
56. If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them.
57. Never make the same mistake twice... there are so many new ones to make

Guys, send in more.. and lets add to the list.... (may be we will end up with one dedicated to one liners!!!)